i pray (day 1 choosing to do scary things)

i pray

the relief slips in quiet, unnoticed,

ducks behind my nose,

shimmies a scapula

and makes a home

out of me.

i pray the love of God

the oil, the honey, the manuka 

of all-is-alright-now shields 

my human body 

and i can no longer 

carry this pain.

i pray i set down

the burden of self-disinterest,

the lack of love for living,

the emptiness 

from all the ways i’ve been shattered,

the spaces and places 

i could have been, 

the shrinking, walking away 

when i want to stay (i’m so scared!!)

and every thread pulling 

my thoughts, my at-

tention, my heart, to fear.

i pray that as i shed this blood

my blood, and jesus’ blood,

for he claims me and i him,

the future god wants for me

the future that can see me

(this night i feel so blind)

sends a smile-bearing wink

a holy ghost nudge

a well placed gas can

so i can make it there

i pray for direction, 

defibrillate my hope,

jumpstart my dreams.

i pray my ride forward fits me

and all of the emotions 

i’m feeling healthily with grace, 

no backseat for doubt, 

defeatism. 

i pray if i do pick up

these old tools,

formed to the shape of me,

i can no longer wield them

like i used to.

i pray my anointed hands

holy undeniably blessed

explore emptiness with curiosity 

letting go of old stories

so i may hold

what is meant for me.

i pray 

i find my way home

to me.

i pray it feels like

being held.

i pray, i pray, 

please, i pray.